Garage Sale Goofs

Ahhh, yes. Today is here!
A day I certainly hold dear.
'Tis one of my favorite times of the year.
Aside from Halloween. {Oh, honey, let's be clear.}

My ones are stacked.

I'm ready to throw down.
And, my trunk's about to be packed!

I'm setting sail to cruise through one of the biggest neighborhood-wide garage sales today. First one of the year! I've found lots of good treasures in this particular development - and it keeps me 'shopping' back for more each year.

I'm hangry for some deallios. Starvin!!!!!!! Can't wait to buy things we really don't need. {I joke...because if The Hubs reads this paragraph, he'll start his own blog...all about moi! Ha!}

I'm also putting a few things in my friend's sale today {she's such a dear to offer us a little space}...because our neighborhood still needs to get with the program and unite to clean out each others' basements SOMETIME this century.

Today is making me think of all the people I'll encounter today...while shoppin' and buyin'. Over the years, I've made some observations on "Garage Sale Goers," and I'm wondering if you've ever encountered these beauts. They are the very reason why I love "sailing," because it's entertainment at its finest. {You've yacht to be kidding me!}

*** NOTE: The names used below are for alliteration purposes ONLY!*** I promise!

{The Top 10 Types of Peeps You'll See at Garage Sales}

{10} Sticker Steven - He claims the $1 sticker was totally on that set of barely used golf clubs. {Steve, you "fore"got DeeDee knows all the tricks. Put it back.}

{9} Loud Lorraine - This beast has to yell randomly about things and cause other customers to feel uncomfy. {Lorraine is rude.}

{8} Running Robin - She runs in to the garage in a frenzy, giving you no real time to engage her in a convo. We all know what you're doing, Robin. You don't want to hurt our feelings, so you're acting like the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. {#SomeBunnyIsObvi}

{7} Big Money Monty - Monty wants to buy a $1 scarf for his wife. Monty hands you a fiddy. Monty just wrecked your whole day. {#MontyJustTakeTheScarf #JustGo #Please}

{6} Chester Change - He's Monty's brother...and he only pays in nickels and dimes. {Maybe a quarter if he's feelin' fiesty.}

{5} Talking Tammy - Tamster loves to tawk. She's gabbing with you so much about nothing...and others realize they can't get your attention, so they peace out. {Tsk, tsk, Tammers.}

{4} Pete the Pricer - He'll tear you to pieces with his money mastery. All of your prices are too high, and you definitely deserve his hearty chuckle, necessary head shake and sky high eyebrow. {Definitely.}

{3} Benny the Bull - 'Ol dude doesn't give two squats about knocking things over...or buying them either, for that matter. {BenBen can be quite horri-bull.}

{2} Sappy Sam - He'll tell you every single thing about your old boombox. Year, make, model, etc. He'll share a few sentimental stories about one he had exactly like it. He'll then move on to music genres, making certain to point out his favorite classic beats. You'll spend at least 20 minutes with him and all he'll leave you with is a, "Well, have a nice day, Miss." {Sammy, is that how you treat a lady?}

{1} Ebay Edna - You know dang well she's going to flip the shiz out of that $2 remote control car and buy herself a Coach purse right after she lists it in her shop.

{The MVPs}

These next two deserve a category all of their own. I respect their style and could never judge!

Early Esther - She's creepin' on your sale at 6 a.m. She's already read her paper, had her coffee and watched some infomercials. She wants to cramp your style and stand by while you're in a frenzy trying to set everything up. {Estie, you're my first customer, sweetcheeks. No, I will not take $3 for this $20 chair.}

Late Lester - Les shows up at 2:05, right when you're starting to tear down. {You all know Les.}

{Honorable Mentions}

Whiney William - He's with his Grandma and he's tired. He's cranky. It's hot outside. He hasn't had a nap and he's also hangry. Grams won't buy him anything because of his 'tude. And he's got it out for your futon, books and linens. Don't even get him started on the board games! He's mad at something and he's growling while taking it out on all of your merch. He keeps mouthing off, talking jibberish and annoying the crap out of Nana. She had a handful of items, but throws them down in disgust and leaves because Little Billy is a terror. {You guessed it. William's Grandpa is Ben. The bull from #3.}

Forgetful Felicia - She "forgot" she had your old Tommy Hilfiger purse on her arm as she was walking down your driveway. Nuh-uh, fancy pants. Get back here and pay. {#ByeFelicia}

Vinnie in the Van - Vin's van is packed because he's gone to every single house and scored a parting gift. He also brought his 7 children, mother-in-law, wife, next door neighbors, 2 lunch coolers and  a dog. {Vin-Man also parks across your driveway entrance.}

Repeat Roger - You'll see him at the sale 3-4 times. He'll keep coming back...but he won't buy anything. Oh, heck no. {Roger is a dodger.}

Hank the Husband - Hank's wandering because his Wife Wanda is running around at other sales. He's a scaredy cat though - he doesn't really want to talk turkey because "his wife's over there and he'll be right back." {Gee, Hanks a lot, mister.}

Neighbor Ned - Mr. Caddy Corner will saunter over and shoot the sheezie just for the heck of it. All the while...he's taking up your time with customers {a.k.a. chances to unload that old-ass luggage set of yours}.

Barb the Babysitter - She'll pick up a vase, walk around with it for 35 minutes, get her mitts all over it, talk to other potential buyers about her new treasure, take out her wallet like she's making sure she has enough moolah, and then she'll put it down and walk away without even a shred of guilt. Just like that. {Babs just ghosted.}

Judgy Jane - She'll look up and down at your things, make scrunch faces, shrug her shoulders and tell her hubs that everything is junky as she walks away. {Janey. That hurts.}

Beanie Baby Betty - That's all she's looking for. {That...and Flutie Flakes.}

Far Away Fran - She puts her stuff up so far up in to the garage...and you end up looking like a creeper as you drive by trying to get a glimpse. {Dey see me rollin'...}

Low Inventory Larry - He has a card table with a few knick knacks, an upside down cooler with some tools and a pair of old bowling shoes all set nicely in the middle of his driveway. And, that's it. {Oh...and maybe a bashed up fake fern in a macrame holder.}

Debbie the Dealer - Homegirl has a stack of ones, rolls of quarters, a calculator, grocery bags and a Home Depot canvas painter's belt to hold all of her supplies together altogether. She has a price chart, plastic grocery bags, stickers and a Starbucks. {#DebbieForTheWin}

Picky Penny - The lady who has to point out a microscopic spot on a onesie and try to talk you down from charging her a quarter.

Saturday Soulmates - Those people who you end up seeing at every other garage sale in the neighborhood. You sort of "root" for each other after the 5th or 6th house. The 1st through 4th are kind of iffy. You're not sure if you can trust them just yet. {Are they looking for a pop-up tent, too? Will they arm wrestle you for a piece 'o Pyrex? Did you just hear them say they're looking for a treadmill TOO? Eeeek!} But, in the end, you get all chummy with 'em.

Did I leave anyone out?!! Tell me!

Ohhhh, how I adore these people. Truly. Go 'head with your bad selves at the sales this year, loves. The thrill! The adrenaline! The quick walk/running to strangers' driveways! If you're a hoarder like me, and you know it...clap your hands.


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